Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggys would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
The third piggy says, “Well, buster, somebody has to go, 'Wee, wee, wee,' all the way home!"

**********************************************

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

**********************************************

A master art thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to pass this on to you. Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse.) ****************************************************
Dear Friends,

Many fans have asked about this mesmerizing picture.

It was shot in 1972 for a spread for the Vieux Carre` Courier at a now defunct, ole-time penny arcade on Royal Street in the French Quarter. The article depicted growing up in Crescent City gambling era of the 30s. I was hired as the model to depict long-time New Orleans Sportscaster, Buddy Deliberto, who grew up in that era. The shoot photographer was New Orleans' most interesting photojournalist, David Richmond. He was considered even as a young man as the Van Gogh of the Quarter and was totally enchanted by the girl model, Debbie Krantz. "Tomato" was my former girlfriend. As musical director, I hired her as one of my first Valiantettes. She played the part of Vickie Valiantette for 3 years. Even the suit I am wearing has history. I found the hand-made garment at a Volunteers of America Thrift Store. The tag told me it was actually from the 40s and formerly the property of New Orleans drug store mogul, Sam Bestoff, of Katz & Bestoff Drugstores. These stores later became K & B, a New Orleans cultural icon. The silver money clip on my lapel was an heirloom passed down to David Richmond. The tie belonged to an electrician, Fabian Masich. He was a deaf mute who lived his entire adult life, on the third floor of our family home. Trying to help my mom and Baba (grandmother in slavonian), the poor fellow put up a lot from my brother and I.

Vinnie ***************************************************
Two Little Boys One Summer Day Current mood: amused Category: Writing and Poetry

After this major thunderstorm, the backyard potholes are brimming with water. Molly, a single mother, laughs as, Vinnie and Matty, her two little blond-haired boys frolic in the puddles below the kitchen window.

Vinnie, the older of the two, grabs his little brother Matty by the nape of his neck and shoves his face into a really deep puddle. Molly screams.

As the Matty recovers standing there laughing and dripping, his blond hair now dark brown with mud, Molly runs to the yard in a panic.

"Vinnie! Why on earth did you do that to Matty?! Are you trying to kill him," she yells, shaking the older boy in anger.

"Gollee, Mama, we're just playing church," Vinnie explains.

"CHURCH?!!"

"Yeah, I was baptizing him... in the name of the Father, the Son and in the-hole-he-goes."


**********************************************************
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes. Suddenly, this blond lady in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blond yells, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little dwarf on your knee!"
*********************************************************
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "’Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

NO ????

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.

*********************************************************
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing." ***********************************************************
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
******************************************************
This man bee driving down the road and unfortunately runs out of gas. At that exact moment, a friendly bee flies in his window.
The bee says, "Good Sir, what bee the problem?"
"Sadly, good sir bee, I bee out of gas," the man replies.
The bee says, "Fear not, good man, and bee patient."
Minutes later, an entire swarm of bees fly to his car, down into his gas tank and then away.
"Try it now, good sir" buzzes one bee proudly.
The man turns the ignition key and the car starts right up.
"Good Sir Bee," exclaims the man, "what did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answers, "BP." *****************************************************
This guy is lonely and decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he goes to the pet store and tells the owner he wants to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally buys a centipede, which comes in this little white box to use for his house.
He takes the box home and puts it by his TV. Then he decides he wants to take his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asks the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to a bar and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothers him a bit, but he waits a few minutes and then asks again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink, dude?"
But again there was no answer from his new pet.
So he waits a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouts, "Hey, Centipede! Would you like to go to a bar and have a drink with me?"
A little voice comes from the box and says, "Man, woould you gimme a break! I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my darn shoes!"
*******************************************************
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening.
The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say?
Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars!"
********************************************************
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replies "Yes sir, I did." At this, the robber shoots him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turns to a couple standing nearby and asks the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man calmly replies, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did." ******************************************************
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
23. What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
24. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
25. What did one snowman say to the other?
Funny, I smell carrots. too.
26. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
27. If one muffins says, "Man it's hot in here!" what does the other say?
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
***********************************************************
This lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.
"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction... back towards the golf shop."
"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half blind."
He then turned around and started hitting out into the range.
After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.
"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing." "Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."
A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replied.
"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat ?"
"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem.
Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him.
"Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.
"Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.
"Get rid of your Jewish accent" she replied. "You're Chinese."
****************************************************
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jeste r. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened?
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now...what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down


The moral is if you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
*********************************************************
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
******************************************************
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard ! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. NOW, let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
*****************************************************

Did you hear about Miss Terry, the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Miss Terry will be eligible for parole in three years!
********************************************************
The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He had carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs. As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did."
"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you."
*******************************************************
Little Vinnie's class was in line in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Sister Mary made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Posted there was Little Vinnie's note, it read, "Take all you want God is watching the apples."
*****************************************************
A Bikers Story
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page.
What motorcycle do you ride?"
"A Harley Davidson. "
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
**************************************************
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.
The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.
Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, 'You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!'
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, 'Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all of the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!'
******************************************************
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked. "How much for these shoes?" she asked the store manager.
"$200", he replied.
"That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?"
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blond persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes for free?!" he yelled.
"Fine I will," the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried and decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
******************************************************
Trosclair, Leblanc and Boudreaux, three friends from South of St. Martinville, are at another friend's funeral.
As the they stand over his casket, Trosclair says, "When I am in my casket and my friends and church members are mourning over me I hope they say, That Trosclair was wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."
Leblanc says, "I'd like dem to say, He was a wonderful shrimper, a servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Boudreaux says, "I'd like dem to say, Look, that Boudreaux… he's movin!"
****************************************************
This man boards a plane in New Orleans with a box of crabs.
A female flite attendant takes the box and promises to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she does.
The man starts making a big deal that he's holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeds to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
The attendant, wearily acknowledges, saying, "Look I'm from New Orleans. I know. I know."
Shortly, before landing in New York, she announces over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?"
Not one hand goes up. So she takes 'em home and eats 'em herself. Some men never learn.
*********************************************
This 70 year old woman is arrested for shop lifting.
When she goes before the judge he asks, "What did you steal?"
She replies, "A can of peaches."
The judge asks, "Well, why did you steal them."
She replies, "Because I was hungry."
The judge then asks, "Hmm, how many peaches were in the can?"
She replies, "I guess about... 6."
The judge says, "Then I'll give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stands and asks the judge if he could say something.
"Yes," he says, "What is it?"
Her husband said, "In all honesty, she also stole a can of peas."
*******************************************************
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
***************************************************
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:0 0 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests... *******************************************************
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
***************************************************
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass section has nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
******************************************
Kids finish famous sayings

1.Don't change horses
until they stop running.

2.strike while the
bug is close.

3.It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.

4.Never underestimate the power of
termites.

5.You can lead a horse to water but
How?

6.Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
impossible

8.A miss is as good as a
Mister.

9.You can't teach an old dog
new Math

10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.

11.Love all
trust Me.

12.The pen is mightier than
the pigs.

13.An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

14.Where there's smoke there's
pollution.

15.Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

16.A penny saved is
not much.

17.Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.

18.Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.

20.There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.

21.Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.

22.If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.

23.You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box.

24.When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.

25.A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.

The WINNER and last one!

26.Better late than
Pregnant!
*******************************************************
Vinnie is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above, "Vinnie, sell your business."
He ignores it. It goes on for days. He gets headaches from hearing, "Vinnie, sell your business."
After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store... for $3 million.
The voice says, "Vinnie, go to Las Vegas and take the 3 mil with you."
He obeys and goes to a casino.
The voice says, "Vinnie, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."
He hesitates but knows he must do it.
He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.
"Vinnie, take a card."
"What? Are you nuts?! I have 18."
"Take a card!" the voice says calmly.
He tells the dealer to hit him. Vinnie gets an ace. Nineteen! He breathes easy.
"Vinnie, take another card."
"What?"
"Take another card!"
He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.
"Vinnie, take another card," the voice commands.
"But I have twenty! He's got 6," Saul shouts.
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.
"Hit me!" says Vinnie. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
The booming voice goes, "Un-fricking-believable!"
*********************************************************
One day Little Vinnie was helping his mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. He notice that his mother had several strands of white hair on her head Little Vinnie asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
His mother replies, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
Little Vinnie thinks about this revelation for a while and says, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
*******************************************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asks, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
"Yeah, teach," Little Vinnie says, "Thou shall not kill."
****************************************************
A Kindergarten teacher observes her class while they draw. As she walks around to see each child's work, she notice Little Vinnie working real feverishly.
"Vinnie, what are you drawing?"
Without looking up, Little Vinnie replies, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher says, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, Little Vinnie says, "They will in a minute, teach."
*******************************************************
Little Vinnie was talking to his teacher about whales.
"I'm afraid to go swimming," says Little Vinnie. "Those big whales could swallow me with one bite!"
"Ha-ha," laughs his teacher and explains that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human. "Even though a whale is a very large mammal its throat is very small, Vinnie."
"Yeah, Jonah was swallowed by a whale," Vinnie reminds her.
Irritated, the teacher reiterates, "A whale cannot swallow a human. It's physically impossible, son."
"Well," Little Vinnie says, "when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher replies, "You just do that, Vinnie. But what if Jonah went to hell?"
Little Vinnie replies, "Then you ask him, teach."
******************************************************
This bandleader runs a band out of the Deep South. This roadie named Walker complains to the Georgia State Wage & Hour Department. He says he is not being payed proper wages. So the Department out an agent to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demands the Georgia State agent.
"Well," replies the bandleader, "there's my stage manager who's been with me since '89. I pay him $20 an hour plus lend him my car every now and then.
Then there's his assistant. He gets $10 and a free meal at all the gigs. He has been with us for 8 months.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does a lot of the work around here. He makes about $15 per Week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.
Oh, yeah, he also sleeps with my girlfriend occasionally."
"Great!" says the agent. "That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replies the bandleader.
***************************************************

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get nto Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run *********************************************************

Summer is over and the teacher asks the class about their vacations. She turns to Little Vinnie and asks what he did over the Summer.
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," Little Vinnie says.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher says, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Vinnie thinks for a second and says, "Come to think of it, teach, we went to Ohio." *******************************************************

When Vinnie was a boy he worked in the produce section of a super market.
One day, this man comes in and asks him if he can buy half a head of lettuce.
"I'd like to help you, sir," says Vinnie, "but we only sell whole heads of lettuce.
"Look, kid, I don't wanna be wasteful and I only need a half a head, not a whole head. So, could you, PLEASE, ask the manager to accommodate my simple request?" demands the customer.
Vinnie agrees and walks into the back room and says, "Hey, boss, get this: some idiot out there wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finishes saying this, he turns to see the man standing right behind him. So he quickly adds, "And this kind gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okays the request and the customer goes on his way.
Later on the manager says to Vinnie, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. I must admit I was impressed how quick you think on your feet. Where did you last work, son?"
Vinnie says, "Minnesota, sir."
"Minnesota? Why did you leave?" asks the manager.
Vinnie replies, "They're all just a bunch of bearded broads and hockey players up there, sir."
"Hey, my wife's from Minnesota," exclaims the manager.
"Really!" Vinnie instantly replies, "What team did she play for?" *****************************************************

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?" ********************************************************

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
*************************************************
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"Hmmmmm," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
So she had a wonderful day.
*****************************************************

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.
The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren't even distracted!
Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let's just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!" ********************************************************

Three blondes were all applying for the last available female position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile shot of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers inside the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
**********************************************************

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

********************************************************

There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Catholic Church decided to do repaint one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down. Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold, on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?" A Mighty Voice spake from the Heavens, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

**********************************************************

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. after looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living snot out of her. Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, 'Shoot, I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman.'

***********************************************************

This little boy asks his teacher to be A Scary Ride! My plane was taking off from Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!" We all sat in silence, waiting for terrible news. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" The guy sitting next to me in First Class says, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

*********************************************************

A Scary Ride! My plane was taking off from Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!" We all sat in silence, waiting for terrible news. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" The guy sitting next to me in First Class says, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

**********************************************************

BR>
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" I don't wake up until 7:00.

*********************************************************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

*********************************************************

Irish Baby Story Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.&nb sp; The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Fadder.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Fadder.' The Father said, 'Well, now, I'm goin' to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' ; She replied, 'Oh, thank ye , Fadder.' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Fadder!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any been blessed wit wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Fadder! T'ree sets o'twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing? She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer frapin' candle.'

*********************************************************

Leaving Atlanta Georgia for Paris Texas, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... - "Hi there, how is it going?" Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: - "Not bad..." Then the voice says: - "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: - "Well, I'm going back to Texas..." Then I hear the person say all flustered: - "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

********************************************************

Kyle and his Mom were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. And when Kyle received his plate, he started eating right away. "Kyle, wait until we say our prayer," his mother, reminded him. "I don't have to." Kyle replied. "Of course, you do, son," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Kyle explained, "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

*******************************************************

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?” “Denise.” “Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?” “Denephew.” ********************************************************

A seven-year old boy was at the center of an Orleans Parish courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New Orleans Saints, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. *******************************************************

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning." ******************************************************

This guy wants a talking parrot. He asks the pet store manager if he's got a bird who's already speaking. The manager points to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions." The guy buys the bird and takes it home. Next day, the guy's back in the pet store to complain. "Your bird didn't say a word." The pet store manager says, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage? That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man pays for the toys and takes them home to the bird. Two days later the guy shows back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asks the manager. "Hm, try a birdbath. It might do the trick." The credit card is whipped out, the purchase made and the guy is back home with his new birdbath. Like clockwork, two days later the guy is back to complain that the bird STILL hasn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratches his head and says, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy is hesitant, but he really wants to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchases the bell. Two days later, the guy's back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggests the bird was lonely. The guy is upset that he'll have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner tells him that, no, he won't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he has company. The next day, the man was back again, this time with the parrot, and it's dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asks the pet store owner. "Yep. Right before he died it said, 'Don't they sell any frigging birdseed at that pet store?'" *******************************************************

These three dogs are walking down the street when they see this beautiful Poodle. The three of 'em fall all over themselves trying to get to her first, but end up arriving at the same time. "Seems like you boys really like me?" She asks. The three dogs nod their heads. "Well, the first one who can use the words LIVER and CHEESE together best in a sentence can be my boyfriend." The Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Okay," says the Poodle and turns to the Doberman and says, "Let's hear yours." "Sure. I hate liver and cheese," says the Doberman. "Hm," says the Poodle. "Interesting... What about you, little guy?" she asks turning to the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He smiles at her, turns to the Lab and the Doberman and says, "Liver alone; Cheese mine." ******************************************************

Three old guys are out walking. The First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." ********************************************************